I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
