Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
