Who did Billy Mays play for?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
