Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
