i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
