You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
