Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
is that a dick in a sweater?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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