my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
