just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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