glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
