FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
