My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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