I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
