idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
