Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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