I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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