i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
