The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
