So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
