I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
