I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize