I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
