just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Just pee around me
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
