Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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