Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
