Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
