I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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