You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
