I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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