Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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