You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
