if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
