sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
