I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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