somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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