i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
