I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
