Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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