so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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