Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
