what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
