my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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