I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
