just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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