My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
