I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
