I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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