What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
