why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize