i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
