I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Randomize
