My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
