So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
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