I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
