I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
