final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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