I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
