I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Randomize