Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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